The loose-leaf Bible

(Performed in the style of an infomercial – the purchaser stands front and centre with his purchase, and the text is read in a confident salesman-type voice, off-stage)

  

Congratulations, you’ve just purchased the brand new Loose-leaf Bible, the Bible of choice for the discerning 21st Century Christian. (Purchaser looks pleased)

The Loose-Leaf Bible is available in a variety of colour schemes to suit your individual needs – the binder is interchangeable so that you can mix and match to compliment your wardrobe choices, or even to fit in with your mood. (Purchaser flicks through a number of files before selecting one)

All 61 books of the Bible are enclosed for your reading pleasure (for convenience sake, we’ve taken the liberty of removing some of the less narrative-driven books, to save you having to bother flicking past Leviticus and 1st Chronicles). We’ve also reduced the font in some of the less well-known parts of the Bible (like Haggai, Obadiah, Nahum and the bulk of revelation) so that these books can be quickly skipped past (let’s face it, when are you likely to read them?) On a related point, we’ve also enclosed a useful phonetic pronunciation guide to Biblical names, to enable you to separate your Balaams from your Baraks, and your Machpelahs from your Mechezideks. (Purchaser looks happy at this)

A useful feature of the Loose-Leaf Bible is the ability to arrange the books as you wish! Forget about the unfolding narrative of God’s Salvation Plan – if you like the book of Matthew best, put Matthew first! Terms like Old Testament and New Testament are passé in our cultured times, so don’t worry about those ancient index scales. Additionally, this enables you to put the least important books in the Bible (in your own opinion, of course) towards the back or, if you should wish, in an alternative folder to be stored in a bookshelf or attic for reference at a later date, whilst you keep the main bits of the Bible close to your heart. (Purchaser removes half the pages and put them to one side)

Now, what’s that you say? You’ve selected your favourite books, but there are still parts of those books that you’d rather not have to wade through? Well, this is why the Loose-Leaf Bible was created!

Think Genesis 1-9 is a collection of myths? Take it out! (Purchaser rips out some pages and bins them – does this for all the following)

Think Exodus goes downhill after the actual Exodus? Just get rid of everything after chapter 20!

Think some of the Ten Commandments don’t apply to you? Murder, indeed! Just retype the list and slot the new page in place!

Think that some of the Bible’s attitudes on marriage, sex and family are clearly from a more primitive time? Fine! Bung the stuff you don’t like in the nearest bin!

Stuck on the begats? Be gone!

The idea of a virgin birth’s a bit hard to swallow? Hard to believe that a guy can rise from the dead? Think some of those miracles are a bit more like cheap parlor tricks? Reckon those prophecies were probably twisted into the life of Jesus by the writers? Get rid! If it was really important, it’d be a bit clearer.

(Purchaser removes a huge bulk of the pages)

So, there you have it! The Word of God available in one handy binder – at your convenience, and at your level. (Purchaser is left with a few pages – looking baffled)

Lights go down, and a voice reads:

“Everything that I command you, you shall be careful to do. You shall not add to it or take from it. Deuteronomy 12:32

Every word of God proves true;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
6 Do not add to his words,
lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar. Proverbs 30:5-6

 

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